News so real... it probably isn't

New Study: Adult Films Don’t Cause Erectile Dysfunction, But Ugly Partners Do

at 1:42 pm | By
Group of scientists conducting research in a lab environment

Dr. Jerry Stringer shows us how big his never gets. (Photo by BigStock / zurijeta)


In a new study conducted by three scientists who insist they are anything but incompetent, it has been discovered that watching a large amount of adult films will not cause erectile dysfunction, however, an ugly girlfriend or boyfriend will.

“There’s no other explanation,” reported Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, whose girlfriend’s face is appalling. “Pornography is definitely not the problem.”

Though the discovery will be released in a prominent Human Sexuality Journal, all four scientists have yet to tell their spouses their findings. “Kathy blames the smut,” Dr. Jerry Stringer, a leading psychoanalyst told reporters, “I blame her resemblance to Gollum.”

When asked why the three scientists are still with their undeniably hideous spouses, they cited their second study, which proves pornography does not cure loneliness.