Responding to Jennifer Lawrence’s viral essay on the Hollywood gender gap, Walmart CEO C. Douglas McMillon was proud to announce his company had no such problem and instead paid all of it’s employees equally terrible wages, regardless of gender.
“Every Walmart employee receives the same, sub-human wage, whether they’re a man or a woman or a disabled.” McMillon told a group of reporters, while wearing a watch that could pay 3 low income families’ health care costs for a year.
“Furthermore, we don’t discriminate along racial lines either. Blacks, Asians, and Latinos working for us can rest easy knowing their white counterparts are not making enough money to fully support their families, either,” the Walmart CEO continued.
“Frankly we find all forms of discrimination in the workplace so deplorable, that we have created a division of our company to audit every single one of our stores and ensure we are treating all our employees equally. We are so committed to this goal that our auditors will work around the clock, with no breaks and no paid overtime, until we can be positive every single one of our locations is discrimination free.”
Sharon Jones, a Little Rock, Arkansas Wal Mart employee and expectant mother, shared the CEO of her company’s enthusiasm.
“At most companies a pregnancy would cause a lot of anxiety. How is this going to affect my career? Will my bosses think less of me if I need extra time during my maternity leave? You know, things like that. Luckily, at Walmart it’s impossible for my employers to think any less of me and there is no maternity leave! I get to have the baby right in the store and they’ll only charge me half price for the things I ruin with placenta,” a beaming Jones told reporters.
She also added that she was thrilled to work with a company that “had no glass ceilings, because even men don’t have the opportunity for advancement here.”
As happy as McMillon is with his company’s track record for equality in regard to gender and race, he did admit one area in which the retail giant could improve: age discrimination. That’s why, starting in 2016, McMillon and Walmart plan to lobby the federal government to allow them to utilize child labor.
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Walmart wants you to know they treat all their employees equally terrible.