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Oakland Raiders Scout Local Prison Yards To Bolster Struggling Roster

at 3:38 pm | By

“We want a killer team.”


raiders coach scouting a prison yard

Credit: Joseph Sohm/; Ezra Shaw/Getty

After a 33-13 week one loss to the perennially crap-tastic New York Jets, the Oakland Raiders are looking to shake up their roster. They won’t be looking at any NFL free agents, however. The alternative sources? Super-max penitentiaries!

Raider head coach Jack Del Rio elaborated on the situation in an exclusive interview with Farce.

“We need help, and we need help bad,” Del Rio said while scratching his butt, “Right now, our needs are at quarterback, kicker, and tailback. Pretty everything a football team is made of, we need.”

The favorite to fill in at QB is Richard Black, third year inmate out of Pelican Bay State Prison. Black was sentenced to 20 years to life in 2012 for throwing Molotov cocktails during a peaceful protest over vegetables’ rights.

“Rick’s been on our radar for a while,” said Del Rio, somehow scratching deeper into his butt. “Sure, he killed a guy and burned down a couple of stores, but if you look at the tape, he gets those explosives out of his backpack, lit, and out of his hands in in 2.28 seconds. That’s 0.05 seconds faster than Peyton Manning, and that dude’s frickin’ sweet.”

The kicker position is also up for grabs. Petrak Sulovic, a Serbian immigrant who kicked eight people to death, has emerged as the clear number one for the job. The piece of evidence that put Petrak away was a surveillance video of him kicking one of his victim’s heads directly between two street lights in a narrow alley.

“I mean, he nailed that kick from 65 yards,” said special teams coach Brad Seely, “And it would have been good from 70.”

The Raiders have also shown interest in veteran serial killer Dennis Rader, also known as BTK, to improve a mediocre backfield.

“Denny really impressed us during the interview process. He kept saying how excited he was to slice the throat of any defender and then bury them as far away from the goal line as possible.

“Once he clears waivers, we’re planning on signing him from the El Dorado Correctional Facility over in Kansas,” said Del Rio, knuckle deep in a wedgie. Sure, he’s seventy years old, but he eluded the cops for thirty. Plus, BTK’s a sick nickname, and his last name is Rader. Fate much?”

When asked how the Raiders plan to get these convicted felons out of prison and onto the football field, Del Rio said, “I mean, we just signed Aldon Smith. He’s got a gun conviction and was recently charged with a third DUI. How hard could it be?”

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