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Putin Declares War on Syrian Rebels. Also, Shirts.

at 1:33 pm | By

“I’m also not happy with farmer’s tans.”


Credit: AFP / Stringer / Getty

Russian President Vladimir Putin continued to raise eyebrows in the international community as he formally declared war on Syrian rebels, as well as the abstract concept of shirts. Putin, who is “tired of all the hard work he does on his delts going unnoticed,” released a statement explaining the rationale behind his new foreign policy aims, saying:

“It’s time these savages stop tearing apart their own country and support the legal leader of Syria, Bashar Al- Assad. It is also time that our upper bodies are free from the cotton and polyester prisons they inhabit every day.”

To achieve his goals, the Russian leader will donate military support in the form of tanks and anti-aircraft weaponry. He will also donate all of his own shirts, but hopes they are never worn and only used to create patchwork quilts and tents. In fact, he has threatened to call the whole deal off if any “man or hot woman” is seen wearing a shirt.

At press time, Putin was still trying to come to a formal decision over tank tops, though he was leaning towards allowing them for all those that have “shredded tris and bis.”

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