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Report: Winking Still Creepy

at 1:30 pm | By

According to a thorough yet somewhat unnecessary study, researchers have confirmed what most of us have known all along: winking is the worst. It’s science.

Blinking’s weird, lonely cousin has long been the go-to move of guys who hang out at chain restaurant bars talking about boats, but it’s also a classic move of super cool granddads who give beer to kids far below legal drinking age and swear a lot.

It’s the prior group that has caused irreparable damage to the practice. What was once seen as cheeky punctuation to a colorful joke has now been reduced to the awkward ocular mating call of the greasy and desperate.

While most of the study proved what most considered common knowledge, it did uncover some unexpected results. Three blind subjects reported suppressed appetites and demised libidos after being winked at, despite having no vision at all.

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