Early this morning, White House security officials investigated a disturbance in the West Wing of the nation’s most secure building.
After motion sensors were tripped in Conference Room B, agents converged on the room to find two Secret Service agents highly intoxicated and seemingly oblivious to the serious security alert they had raised.
The agents, quickly identified as well-known troublemakers, Tom Rickles, 28, and Steve Johnson, 36, were detained and questioned as to their previous activities, whereabouts, and how they had become so inebriated.
Rickles, wearing no pants and a tie around his head, and reeking of cheap beer and cigarettes, could barely string together a coherent sentence, but mumbled something about a “rager at the college”. Meanwhile, Johnson, who had a black eye, was missing a tooth, and smelled strongly of urine, was heard babbling about a still unidentified female named “Belinda” who “had the rack of a goddess, legs for days, and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.”
At last check, the two agents were given coffee, aspirin, and told to go home and clean themselves up before reporting back for their shifts later that morning and driving Sasha and Malia Obama to school.