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Soccer Player Comes out as Straight

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Garfiello Lasagna sent shockwaves across the entire sporting world late last night, as he came out as the world’s first openly straight soccer player.

“As a soccer player I’ve made a career out of pretending to be hurt. But today I’m hurt for real. Ironically, hurt by the act of pretending itself. Pretending to be gay just so I can fit in with all the other soccer players,” Lasagna told the assembled reporters.

“I understand soccer is supposed to be about teamsmanship, which often times benefits from the players being homosexual with each other. But just because I’m straight, it doesn’t mean I’m any worse at playing soccer.”

Despite his optimism, many are worried Lasagna will be treated as an outcast, drawing a parallel between his situation and that of American Football player, Michael Sam.

When Sam came out as gay, fans of the sport were concerned he wouldn’t be able to play football well because he would act like a little girl and get hurt too easily which is the same reason many are worried that a straight man can’t play soccer — a sport that requires both of those skills.

The move is risky, to be sure, as homosexuality is ingrained in the very culture of the sport. Soccer traces its roots to Medieval times, when the smaller, gay men in the fiefdom had to kick all of their belongings around in a sack, because they were too physically weak to carry them with their soft girlish arms. The term “goalie” developed from middle-english Gaoleigh, which is the same root as the modern day “girly.” The weakest of the players, the goalie was allowed to use his hands.

There have been some recent examples of straight men succeeding in the world of soccer. Although originally a homosexual sport, soccer has been opened to straight men, at least tacitly, for centuries. Many have heard the stories of WWI soldiers crossing the frontlines to play soccer with the enemy during Christmas. As Christmas-celebrating soldiers, it’s highly unlikely that any of these men were gay.

And, though some are skeptical Lasagna will maintain the same effectiveness, the Italian striker promises his play will not be affected.

“Just because I enjoy the sexual company of a woman, it doesn’t mean that I can’t prance around on the field like a limp-wristed dandy. It doesn’t mean I can’t wear the tiny little shorts or fall down crying whenever someone looks at me.”

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