“But I’m so chill…”
Local straight man Gavin Hines was offended yesterday when his friend of 20 years, Eric Rivera, came out of the closet, but didn’t confess to having a crush on him.
“I just kept waiting and waiting for him to say ‘Gavin I’m in love with you’ or at the very least confess that he’d snuck a peak at my dong in college or something, but nothing,” Hines complained to reporters.
“He just kept talking about how it felt so great to finally get this all of his chest and how it was nice to finally be himself. Typical Eric to make something like this totally about him.”
Rivera, for his part, was confused by his friend’s response. “I thought he’d be happy for me, but after like 10 minutes he kept asking me weird questions. Like, he asked me if I was dating anyone and what my type of guy was? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was hitting on me.”
At press time, Hines was signing up for a gym membership and buying an entire new wardrobe. He told reporters that, “in a few weeks gay dudes way sexier than Eric” would want to “f*ck [him] big time.”
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