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Subway’s Jared Loves 5 Year Old Foot Longs

at 3:56 pm | By

(Photo by Getty / Astrid Stawiarz )

In a shocking admission, Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle admitted yesterday that he loves 5 year old footlongs. The confession came after an FBI raid found a treasure trove of old, rotting Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches stashed in the attic of Mr. Fogle’s home.

Addressing reporters from his front lawn Fogle, who parlayed massive weight loss into a career as arguably the least charismatic television personality in modern American history, held up a 12 inch sub and proclaimed “I know it might seem unhealthy, weird, and dangerous, but I just really like eating this 5 year old.”

Reactions from regular Subway customers is split between surprise and a complete lack of shock.
Mary Ridnour, a 52 year old mother of three, was quoted as saying “Oh dear, 5 year olds? That’s terrible. He seemed like such a nice man.”

While local man Travis Stevens reacted to the news saying “Honestly, I’m not surprised. That guy and his cold, dead eyes in every commercial always gave me the creeps.”

When we asked Subway for comment they replied, “Please, for the love of God, stop referring to him as the Subway guy. Anything but that.”