In a landmark decision some are calling “a victory for all those that hate smelling gross crap in the office,” the Supreme Court has approved the death sentence in cases involving fish being reheated in a communal microwave.
“The days of inconsiderate jerks terrorizing an entire office with tilapia are behind us,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority opinion for the case. “Though there is no explicit, legal justification for seeking out such a harsh punishment for such a trivial offense, it is this court’s strongly held belief that the microwaved fish smell is disgusting and must be stopped at any cost. If the occasional forgetful secretary bringing in leftovers from Red Lobster has to die, then so be it.”
Only Justice Antonin Scalia objected to the decision. In his dissent Scalia admitted to microwaving fish at every job he’d ever had and, even claimed it produced a “rather pleasant odor.”
The Supreme Court has also agreed to waive the constitutional right against cruel and unusual punishment in these cases. Anyone found guilty of a communal microwaved fish offense will be put to death in an unusual way: offenders will be housed in a cubicle, under fluorescent lights, next to an air vent pumping in nothing but reheated salmon smells until they kill themselves.
It should also be noted that the case does not solely apply to individuals microwaving fish. In fact, anyone found guilty of burning popcorn at their job can now be put to death, as well.
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