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Ted Cruz Introduces Bill to Ban Abortions on Mars

at 4:04 pm | By

“Mars women belong in the space kitchen.”

(Photo by Getty / MANDEL NGAN / NASA)

(Photo by Getty / MANDEL NGAN / NASA)

After NASA’s Curiosity Rover captured an image that appeared to show a woman-like figure on Mars, Texas Senator and GOP Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz immediately introduced a bill to ban abortions on Mars.

At the press conference to introduce his legislation, Cruz was quoted as saying “The odds that there actually is a woman on Mars are very slim, but just the thought of a woman somewhere in this galaxy having control of her own body makes me physically ill. Call me old fashioned, but I think that likely nonexistent Mars woman shouldn’t be worried about sexual health, anyway. She should be in the space kitchen where she belongs.”

Cruz’s bill would not only ban abortion on Mars but also send pamphlets about abstinence to the planet via a “very powerful rocket fueled by prayer.”

(Photo by NASA)

(Photo by NASA)

One of Cruz’s competitors in the race for the Republican nomination was also deeply affected by this news. Former Ohio Governor John Kasich considered suspending his campaign to “get some of that sweet Mars p*ssy.”

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