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The Mics Were On: What Republican Candidates Didn’t Want You to Hear

at 5:14 pm | By

“Check One-Two. Is this thing on?” Yes!

(Photo by Getty / Scott Olson)

(Photo by Getty / Scott Olson)

During last week’s Republican Debate candidates put up their verbal fisticuffs and let the world see what they were made of. While the debate alone was quite enthralling, many people missed what was said during those pesky commercial breaks. As candidates reapplied makeup and reviewed their notes, all of them exchanged words with their colleagues.

What they didn’t was their microphones were recording the whole thing. And we got the soundbites you want to hear.

(Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

(Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Mike Huckabee to Bush:

I can’t wait till this is over. I’m meeting Lindsay Graham and some of his friends from craigslist in the men’s bathroom at the rock and roll hall of fame. Bush you in?

Bush to Huckabee:

No thanks man, I’m too stressed to party. I’ll probably just bang a few ‘ludes, sit in my bathtub and zone out. My dad said I have to be president or he’s gonna kick me out of the illuminati and I won’t get to go to anymore parties at JAY Z’s house.

 (Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

(Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

Christie to Rubio:

Marco, yo Marco, it’s been like 45 minutes since the last time I ate, you know where I can get a good quesadilla around here?


Honestly dude, don’t tell anybody but I’m not even Hispanic. My real name is Fred. Fred Johnston, I’m from Iowa. I just tan a lot lol.

Rand Paul to Ben Carson:

Hey Ben, I don’t know if you know this but I’m actually an opthamologist. You know anyone hiring? It’s not looking too good for me, I’m losing to you and you’re Blac — uhh have no political experience.

Ben Carson:

Yea, send me your resume. You want to work at a hospital though? I’m just running cause I want to get out of hospitals. They smell awful, although I’m catching a whiff of whatever’s trapped under Christie’s neck flaps and I’m starting to reconsider.

Ted Cruz:

(muttering to himself) Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ron…

(Photo by Getty / )

(Photo by Getty)

Walker to Trump:

You think I could bang Megyn Kelly? I’m honestly just doing this for the trim. Hey Don, why are you even running, you’re rich as hell, you must already be swimming in muff, right?


Honestly Scott, my good man, I’ve grown quite bored with private business and the access to beautiful female companions it affords me. In fact, that’s the reason I’ve entered this race. I seek a new challenge. I believe wholeheartedly that I can apply the conventions of the private sector to our government and run the whole enterprise quite smoothly and efficiently. The shame of it is, campaigning on ideas and experience simply does not cut it anymore. Gone are the days when sound policy gets one elected, no, now one must grandstand and bloviate and insult the competition.

Oh! How I loathe what the political system has become! Nevertheless, it is my aim to be President, and if I must play the part of the vulgar goon for the good of my country, so be it. Well, it appears the commercial break is drawing to a close. As a quick warning to you my friend, I’m about to say a few racial slurs as soon as the cameras come back on, you know, to get some attention, and all that.

Kasich to everyone:

I don’t know who I am either, guys!