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The Secret Bad Boy Pasts of these Presidential Hopefuls

at 4:20 pm | By

You mess with the bull, you get the elephants.

(Photo by Scott Olson / Win McNamee / MANDEL NGAN/AFP/ Getty Images / iStock / CREATISTA)

(Photo by Scott Olson / Win McNamee / MANDEL NGAN/AFP/ Getty Images / iStock / CREATISTA)

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz is a loyal member of the tea party and a very devout Christian. Sounds like he’d be a snooze right? Wrong! He regularly stays up past midnight to watch movies that sometimes have cusses in them! Forgive him father, for he has sinned!

Rick Perry

This crazy former governor of the lone star state regularly eats pizza with extra cheese. Pretty standard right? Yea but get this! He’s lactose intolerant! What a bad boy!

Scott Walker

Scott Walker has amassed a large following after staunchly opposing unions in his home state of Wisconsin, we can see that antipathy for organized labor goes back long way. As a small boy, Walker was known to put dog poop in a brown paper bag, set it on fire, and leave it on the front steps of known union leaders. We can only imagine the fun presidential pranks we have to look forward to if Walker wins the White House!

Rand Paul

This libertarian bad boy can climax completely hands free, as long as there is a copy of Atlas Shrugged within his line of vision.

John Kasich

Most people know John Kasich for his stint as governor of Ohio. What they don’t know is his legendary past as the “Godfather of Cleveland disco and sex.” In fact, in 1978, during a week long cocaine and sex binge, Kasich entered the Guinness book of world records for “most women fingered at a BG’s concert,” — a record he’s successfully defended 7 times. Naughty naughty Johnny!

Martin O’Malley

As Governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley used to call Annapolis home. Well, one time, after a homeless man interrupted his morning jog through the waterfront town, O’Malley beat him savagely with an anchor from a nearby yacht! He later had the man killed in the hospital. Don’t worry though, it totally looked like a suicide! Uh oh! Don’t interrupt this guy’s exercise!