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These Dumb Turtles Ruined My Selfie and Vacation

at 1:52 pm | By

My Name is Abigail St. Claire. You don’t know me and that’s mostly because I don’t even know myself, yet. That’s deep, right?


Girl tourist taking selfie with sea turtles

Credit: Patte David/Creative Commons/Shutterstock

I’m a very deep, thoughtful person, and that’s why I had to escape the rigors of post-college life. Every single month I would have to take a check from my parents, deposit it into my account, and almost immediately write a check to my landlord. Some months, my parents don’t even include extra money for food or cocaine. My point? I was being swallowed (literally!) alive.

Until one day I saw the first 20 minutes of Eat Pray Love, after that day I knew what was missing: I needed an excuse to spend even more of my step-father’s hedge fund money, this time under the guise of “finding myself.”

And I thought I had finally done that. I was in Costa Rica, trying to snap a picture of myself with a poor child with no shoes for Instagram, when someone alerted me to a pic opportunity that could potentially get me even more likes than a toothless orphan: pictures with giant turtles.

Only, once I get there, those turtles were total assholes! I tried standing on them, but they always squirmed and tried to knock me off. When I tried to get a video, they wouldn’t stop making these stupid moaning noises that sounded like some kind of animal in pain. To make matters worse, on both my way to and from the water, I stepped on a bunch of turtle eggs and totally ruined the new sandals I bought from a street merchant for far less than market price.

These turtles need to respect the space of human beings. I was expecting over 100 likes, and thanks to their selfish antics, the picture of me thoughtfully looking into the sunset came out blurry and barely got me 30 likes. 30! My fat cousin Martha got more for her engagement photos than that. These turtle’s must be annihilated. And Martha better lose some weight before the wedding.

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