How do you like that, everything we hate about Fall in one stupid photo. That includes Ugg boots, candy corn, pumpkin spice lattes, leaves, pumpkins, and dumb hipster Fall boy’s glasses.
You’re probably saying, “but how could you hate leaves? Crisp Autumn leaves?” and we’re going to tell you, right now, to shove it because leaves suck. If you don’t believe us, we decided to break it down for you.
Much like “Candy Apples,” candy corn has to include the word “candy” in it’s name to let us know it’s something we should enjoy. That is not a coincidence. Candy corn is, without a doubt, the lowest form of candy. They look like dirty earplugs and their texture’s the same as ear wax. Never has a child been allowed to select their own treat, reached into a bowl full of twix and Twizzlers and Reeses cups and picked out a box of candy corn. It’s never happened. In fact, candy corn has never actually been consumed during the months of October or November. The only time anyone eats candy corn is when they’re desperate and completely out of every piece of halloween candy, and even then, they’re not happy about it.
Look, we’ll admit leaves are nice to look at– but that lasts for like one or two days tops. There is something nice about the orange and yellows welcoming you into fall, but, after that, they’re just garbage. Sure, it’s a natural process for a tree to shed its leaves every year, but it’s also a natural process for dogs to shed some of their fur. When that happens, you clean up after your dog, you don’t spend all of October and November with your shoes covered in dog fur. But for the next few months we have to spend every moment nearly slipping on mother nature’s gray and brown boobie traps. Leaves are a public safety hazard and they can suck it.
Pumpkin Spice Latte
It’s not enough that every basic b*tch this side of Canada has to take an Instagram with a dumb cup of coffee, I also have to hear about it. It’s an assault on the eyes and ears, “PSL OMG PSL, Pumpkin eeeeeuuuuhhhh.”
First off, they taste awful. They taste like a pumpkin farted into a bowl of caramel. You’re drinking syrup and milk, and acting like you’re a sommelier of fine wine. It’s gross.
Second, they’re horrible for you. Isn’t it ironic that the people obsessed with these dumb drinks also happen to be the ones juicing and doing yoga and instagraming about it? You’d have to run 3.5 miles to burn that PSL off, which I’m guessing you’re not doing and are rather sitting in bed watching Netflix, Tweeting about how pizza is your boyfriend. There’s a reason for that.
Oh I can’t wait for ladies to bust these horrid things out. You know what these look like to me? An old, over-used sponge. Like the one you used for the four straight years in college? Sure these things are warm, but they’re soaking up every drop of sweat that’s coming out your foot.
It’s so cute they’re called Uggs, because they’re ugly, get it? Why is that validation to make your foot look like a cartoon’s? That’s like smearing crap on your face and saying “Well, it’s called Uggo Makeup, so it’s cool.” No it’s not. Not at all.
I sure love anything that looks like wrinkled penis with warts on it. Not that’s what mine looks like, what would give you that idea?
Anyway, I have enough things reminding me of my wrinkled penis. I mean of wrinkled penises. How did we get on this subject anyway, I hate Fall. Death to Fall!!
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Do you love or hate these staples of Fall?