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If Elected, Trump Promises to Not Pardon Lazy Good-Fer-Nutin Turkeys

at 2:22 pm | By

President Obama had gone too far this time, they said. When he broke from long-held tradition by pardoning TWO turkeys, Macaroni and Cheese, instead of the historically appropriate single turkey, the leader of the free world lost the last shred of faith that already adversarial Republicans nationwide had in him.

According to his campaign, this egregious desecration of a time-honored American tradition would not go unpunished if Presidential candidate Donald Trump were elected to the Oval Office. In fact, Mr. Trump said this week that “when he becomes President”, there would never be another “good-fer-nutin, loser turkey pardoned”.

“These turkeys, I just don’t trust them. They’ve been getting a free ride for far too long. We don’t know how many of them are coming over borders, taking chicken jobs. Turkeys in New Jersey were gobbling their weird little heads off on 9/11; I saw it on TV. Do we know whether they’re part of ISIS today or not? There’s no way we can be sure.”

“The Chinese, the Russians, they’re laughing at us, and we need to put a stop to these terrible turkeys!”

“Frankly, I’m very, very rich, and I would be more than happy to buy up every turkey in the country and have the biggest, most luxurious Thanksgiving dinner ever. Let’s make Thanksgiving great again!”

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