OUTSIDE is_adminINSIDE is_adminWhat Happens After Drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte | The Farce Report
News so real... it probably isn't

What Happens 1 Hour After Drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte

at 2:13 pm | By

A lot more than you think.

 

girls holding pumpkin spice lattes

Source: Instagram @dorasztrebka

Fall is here! Which means one thing for every white girl in America: Pumpkin Spice Lattes! While these drinks are delicious on a cool day, walking through a park with yellow and orange leaves crunching under your feet, the drink actually has some serious after effects on your body. While coffee is proven again and again to be beneficial, the milk, whipped cream, and pumpkin spice don’t necessarily agree. Click the image for more info, or read below.

 

What happens when you drink a pumpkin spice latte

Credit: Shutterstock

First 10 Minutes

Our brains prefer awful fake flavoring.

When you drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte, your brain is immediately triggered into thinking artificial syrup and spices actually taste good. You start to think everything would taste good with pumpkin spice on it and conjure up potential recipes to make with syrup (that you have no idea what its made from), on top of everything. From Pumpkin spice pizza to pumpkin spice hot dogs and pumpkin spice burritos, you can’t stop thinking of ways to ruin all food.

After 20 Minutes

You wrap at least three scarves around your neck.

Once the pumpkin spice enters your blood stream, your body will grab any scarves available and wrap them around your neck. You’ll use socks, sweatshirts, and (if you can’t find any scarves) toilet paper. If you must, raid Johnny Depp’s closet. You’ll find some very authentic, thick-rimmed glasses to balance just at the bottom of your nose, and slip on a pair of Ugg boots. Because when you’re drinking a pumpkin spice latte, your body wants to be comfortable!

After 30 Minutes

You force friends to meet you at coffee shop to discuss Eat Pray Love. 

You’ve read it a dozen times, but once pumpkin spice lattes passes through your kidneys, you must read Eat Pray Love again. Worse, you’ll force your friends to meet you at a Starbucks and take up two tables so you can discuss the book, but more importantly, how the book is a mirror to your own life. You’ll then complain how there’s no good men in the city while simultaneously sneering at a man who smiled at you.

You’ll then proceed to take a photo of your pumpkin spice latte on the table next to your book, apply about a dozen filters, and post to Instagram with the caption “Tough day #nofilter #thankful”

After 40 Minutes

After a quick stop at Forever 21, you head home to rewatch Season 1 of Sex in the City

When your friends all decide that they’re just “so tired” from having to get out of bed, and want to head home, you decide the same. But as the pumpkin spice latte enters your bladder, you can’t help but walk by a Forever 21 and buy a bunch of cheap clothes that you’ll wear once for your fashion blog before they completely fall apart. The 15 minute shopping spree will “completely wear you out,” so you’ll need to head home.

Seeing the pumpkin spice latte is almost finished, you’ll want to wrap yourself in a Patagonia blanket you saw on Apartment Therapy, light a Fall-inspired candle called “Cinnamon Autumn,” and start Sex in the City season 1, because it’s been a week, and you need your fix of the girls!

After 60 Minutes

You become the most basic white b*tch in the world. 

Just as you take the last sip of your latte, your skin will transform a milky white, almost translucent, color as you’ll cover it with Fall-scented body lotion from Bath & Bodyworks.

You’ll start to realize Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are BOTH of your favorite artist, and that Ryan Gosling is like, the hottest. You’ll apply to college to finally finish your Communications major but then drop out because, “life has been really stressful lately,” even though you don’t work, live of a credit card your father pays off, and have never actually lifted anything heavy in your life.

Worried for your basic friends? SHARE this article.

Share