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White Person Desperate for Attention Tries Making Hawaiian Shirts his Thing

at 12:14 pm | By
Hawaiian Shirt guy on subway

(Photo by Shutterstock)

Clutching a colorful, short sleeve, button down shirt with parrots on it, generic white person Matthew Smith was hopeful that Hawaiian shirts could be his “new thing.”

“I’ve never really been an interesting or particularly nice person, but I really like attention and acceptance,” Smith told reporters. “Not only am I total dullard, but I’m also lazy, so instead of working on myself or picking up some hobbies, I’ve just dressed weird to get people to notice me”

As a teenager this strategy proved successful. Smith was, first, a vans wearing skater boy and, later, a Hot Topic aficionado. Unfortunately, all his attempts at standing out as an adult — including overalls, top hats, and being one of those guys that wears a blazer everywhere — have failed spectacularly. He’s hoping Hawaiian shirts will be different.

Smith was last seen exiting the Marshalls where he was shopping for garments normally reserved for obese grandfathers, but was already planning to go in a steampunk phase as a backup plan.