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Yo, My Funeral Is Going to Be So Sick

at 1:50 pm | By


guy at a funeral

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So I was chilling at home last night watching my new Blu-Ray edition of The Boondock Saints, sipping on a Monster, and eating hella Totino’s pizza rolls when I thought to myself, “Yo, funerals are sad as sh*t.” And then I really started thinking about it, like what would my funeral be like, and who would come and all that sweet crap. That’s when I realized, dude, my funeral is going to be so sick.

First off, the music is going to be tight. Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba” is my theme song, so that’d be playing every other track. I’d get Limp Bizkit in there, but only the early stuff, and then the entire ICP collection, all on shuffle, ’cause I’ll wanna be surprised.

Next, I’ll make them bring back the good Four Loko, and it’ll be in a big ass fountain that everyone can drink from, because you know we’re gonna be staying up hella late. For food — chicken fries from Burger King.

The funeral will last the entire month of October. I know, what happens if I don’t die in October? Well, that’d suck balls, but we can just freeze my bod ’til then. I’m planning to be jacked from this muscle milk I just bought so my body will be able to handle the low temperatures. Then, on Halloween, I’ll get Dido to sing that really sad chorus from Eminem’s Stan over and over as my boys drag my coffin on their four wheelers to my favorite tree by the Taco Bell.

Everyone will take a big ass bong rip and blow it on my body, then they’ll bury me hella deep. I’ll ask Jeremy and T-Blaze to bury me with my paintball guns, but they can keep one to shoot my name onto the tree every Halloween so people remember me.

To finish it up, I’ll perform a few tracks from my rap album I plan to drop next year, as soon as Vince can quit being such a f*ck-up and make those beats for me.

Dude, my funeral is gonna be so sick.

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